Coming out later in life: Why more LGBTQ+ older adults are living openly

(Aging Untold) — Aging brings changes beyond the physical — it can reshape courage, confidence and a sense of self. For some older adults in the LGBTQ+ community, that growth shows up as coming out later in life after decades of keeping part of who they are hidden.

The Aging Untold experts are exploring what shifts with age that make living openly feel possible, and what’s still at stake for couples who choose to stay private.

What finally makes it feel safe to come out

Katherine Ambrose, an aging-well coach, opened the conversation by asking what changes as people get older that can make them feel safe enough to live more openly.

“I think the thing that changes the most is judgmental people pass away,” Sam Cradduck, a gerontologist, said. “I think if you’re trying to keep it from your own parents, and once they’re gone, you’re able to be who you are.”

Cradduck said the shift can also come from a child who wasn’t able to accept it, and later changes their mind — sometimes because someone else in their life has come out.

“It gives you an opportunity, plus the fear of your own mortality and not being able to end your life with the person you want to end your life with and having them beside you,” Cradduck said. “That can be very overwhelming. So you finally throw caution to the wind, and you no longer care what other people think. You care who’s beside you during those final moments. So you let the world know. And I see nothing wrong with that.”

A 50-year relationship kept secret

Aging expert Amy O’Rourke shared a story from her own work: two women in their early 80s went into her office for help, and she could feel the love between them.

“I said, how long have you two been together? And they said, 50 years,” O’Rourke said. “Not married. And I said, ‘Does anybody in your family know?’ And they said, ‘No.’”

When O’Rourke asked the women what had stopped them from telling their families, they said they were too scared.

“They’re not going to accept it. We just kept everything the way it is,” they told O’Rourke.

“I felt sad. I would want them to have more, but I could tell that they had forged such a close bond that the decision worked for them,” O’Rourke said.

O’Rourke said her advice for couples in that position is to be direct with family ahead of time.

“Let everybody know ahead of time, this is what we’re doing. This is who I am. This is what I want from you,” O’Rourke said. “These are the boundaries that I’m drawing for myself that I want you to abide by.”

Ambrose added that verbal wishes aren’t enough on their own.

“There’s some real nasty people when it comes to death and hospitals, etc., or who’s making decisions on the funerals,” Ambrose said. “It’s really important to have legal documents in place.”

When families shut partners out

Cradduck shared a story of a woman she provided care for.

The woman’s best friend was also her partner. During the woman’s final days in hospice care, her family forbade her partner from visiting — and wouldn’t let her attend the funeral to pay her respects, Cradduck saod.

“I’ve seen where families step in and they do the most horrific thing,” Cradduck said. “They’re protecting their own image of who this person was instead of accepting them.”

Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, said there is a physical toll that comes with hiding one’s identity for years.

“Once you become older, a lot of times I think people just own who they are. They’re authentic,” Rogers said. “When you’re living unseen and unheard, that’s an emotional burden, that’s loneliness, that’s stress. And that’s a whole bunch of physiology affecting your body.”

Cradduck also noted a gap in elder care options for LGBTQ+ seniors.

“We haven’t built enough communities for our aged population at all, but we don’t have enough LGBTQ-friendly companies and care companies,” Cradduck said.

She pointed to SAGE USA, which she described as an LGBTQ-friendly training program that helps communities, assisted living facilities and home care agencies work with elderly people in the community.

Coming out — or staying private — is a personal choice

O’Rourke said the decision to come out later in life comes with its own mix of emotions.

“You’re going to have grief associated with losing some people that might not accept it. You’ll have your own grief of changing from one identity to another,” O’Rourke said. “But you can have two feelings at the same time. You can feel sad. You can also feel celebratory. You can feel happy that you’re finally yourself.”

Cradduck said staying private can be the right call for some.

“If staying in the closet is what’s safest and what’s best, and what brings the least amount of stress and turmoil — then live your life that way,” Cradduck said.

O’Rourke added that religious beliefs are worth acknowledging as part of that decision as well.

“I think that’s important to acknowledge, but I’m with you — do whatever you feel comfortable with,” O’Rourke said.

Rogers also emphasized protecting those choices legally.

“Do whatever you feel comfortable with, but take the legal actions to protect,” Rogers said.

Ambrose added that younger generations may not fully grasp what older LGBTQ+ adults faced.

“Younger generations underestimate the amount of fear, stigma, pressure that was on us decades ago,” Ambrose said. “Some of the more controversial things that didn’t fit in the box, it was a really hard thing to live in. And I just believe we’re living in a more empowering age, and hopefully learning to act with a little more love and kindness.”

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