The anti-bucket list: Why letting go might be a secret to aging well

(Aging Untold) — A bucket list is about everything you still want to do. But what about an “anti-bucket list” — the things you’re finally ready to stop doing, stop caring about or stop apologizing for?

Saying no might be one of the most powerful tools for a freer, more joyful life after 60.

The problem with automatic “yes”

Aging expert Amy O’Rourke kicked off the conversation with a true confession.

“I was asked to be on the HOA (homeowners association) board, and I said yes immediately,” O’Rourke said. “And then I went home and I was like, what did I say yes for? I don’t want to do that.”

O’Rourke said she had agreed out of guilt rather than genuine desire.

“I said it out of guilt that I should, that I can, that I would — afraid of what other people would think,” O’Rourke said. “So I reneged, and immediately I had better energy. I had better clarity. I got through the discomfort of saying no when I’m used to saying yes to everything.”

Subtraction as a privilege of aging

Aging well coach Katherine Ambrose framed the shift as a kind of wisdom that comes with age.

“It’s a discernment. You hope as you get older, you become wiser and you make maybe more mature choices,” Ambrose said.

“One of the privileges of getting older is subtraction,” Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, added. “What can I do to subtract that’s going to give me more peace, more sleep, more joy. And it’s OK.”

Rogers said adding too many obligations creates stress that the body can’t distinguish from any other kind.

“Your body doesn’t realize the difference between types of stress, because it’s going to react the same,” Rogers said.

Gerontologist Sam Cradduck noted that saying yes isn’t always the wrong move.

“Sometimes yes is purpose,” Cradduck said. “Some people will say yes because it does give them the purpose, and we still need to feel that.”

Practicing the word “no”

Cradduck said the hardest habits to break are often the ones tied to people, boards and other obligations, like hosting Thanksgiving dinner year after year.

“I don’t want to fix Thanksgiving dinner anymore kind of thing,” Cradduck said, describing the kind of thought many people are afraid to say out loud. “I’ve done it for 35 years. Daughter, son, you can cook and it’s time for you to take it on.”

O’Rourke suggested starting small for anyone too anxious to say no to a big obligation right away.

“So maybe you start by saying something to someone other than a family member — say no and practice. Or if you’re really anxiety-ridden, say the words out loud to yourself. Kind of rehearse the conversation,” O’Rourke said.

Ambrose shared a story to illustrate the point, about a couple in their late 70s who had recently married.

“She was telling me about all the Thanksgivings and things that she’d hosted, what she could cook,” Ambrose said. “And he was so shocked. He said, ‘You told me you can’t cook.’ She said, ‘No, I didn’t say I can’t cook — I said I don’t cook.’”

“It can be very freeing,” Ambrose said. “I think as time becomes shorter, you start thinking about what I really want to do.”

Key takeaways

1. An “anti-bucket list” is about subtraction, not addition.
2. Guilt-driven “yes” answers can drain energy.
3. The body reacts to different types of stress the same way.
4. Not all “yes” answers are bad — some provide purpose.
5. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations first.